How I almost went off the derech (OTD)


Part 1: Easy, Hard, and What’s best.

This is the story of how I almost went OTD. So many people ask me, why I am not off the derech yet, and I want everyone to understand why…. so I am writing my story here.  This is part one.

First you ask me, why would people even think to ask and to want to know why you haven’t gone off the derech?

Well, I made aliyah  (I am from the USA) in my teens, recently in fact. This wasn’t the only time my family moved around. I have also struggled with many different things in my life (like everyone). My struggles have ranged from, easiest ADHD to my hardest, abuse. A lot of people have told me that either I should have run away, been of the derech, or dead by now.

So, I have had a hard life (Who hasn’t?)  I decided to create a blog two year ago since I feel I have a lot of life expirience from the things I have been through, I feel my ideas are important, and I have what to say. Basically, I want to change the world! 😉

Who said life was easy ? Nobody.
What do we want in life? Don’t ask me! I am only 17!
Do we want life to be easy? No! That would be Booooooooooring
Do we want it to be hard? NO!!!!!!!! Not too hard!

So what do we want?!?
Well, I want what’s best for me. I want to live a fufilling and meaningful life. Yes sometimes that means life is hard, but it’s worth it if I feel good with myself and what I’m doing in this world. Life is like a heart beat, if there are no ups and downs it means you are dead.

But what is what’s best for me? How do we know? Baruch Hashem we don’t have to think much about it as long as we belive in Hashem and that all he does is for the good. But how do we know that G-d wants our best? How do we know there is a G-d  in the first place?

So many questions. First I am adressing the Hashem question:
My questions for the logic for Hashem existence were solved when I saw the statistics for one human being to be made on this earth. Which is about one in 400 trillion (4×1014). What’s the probability of your existing?  It’s the probability of 2 million people getting together – about the population of San Diego – each to play a game of dice with trillion-sided dice. They each roll the dice, and they all come up the exact same number – say, 550,343,279,001.

I looked around thw world and decided there must be a G-d. I also realized that the Torah must be the truth, and so I decided to learn more about it. So now I know that I must be put through all these different crazy stuff in life for a reason. G-d put me here. He HANDPICKED ME to be his daughter! He chose my life, my strengths and weaknesses, and where I will go. He chose my destiny.

Sometimes things in life are easy,
other times things in life are hard.
But if Hashem brought it to you,
he’ll take you THROUGH!
And you know deep
down inside that it’s all for the…
BEST!

So, I want what’s best for me.
Maybe if I wanted revenge, or to get back at all the people who abused me I would go OTD to spite them.
Or I would go there for the pleasure, C’mon, admit it. You want a boyfriend too, right? You want to do whatever you want without having rules about who you can hang out with, touch, and what you do with them. And why not?
You want to wear what you want…why not?
You don’t feel any pleasure from Judiasm or any reason to stay, so WHY NOT?!?

I found my pleasure in being Jewish. I researched, asked questions, read until I found what I beleive to be is the truth. Rules were only put here for our own good. What would the world look like without rules? Rules make life hard, but in other ways it makes it so much simpler and easier. I beleive strongly we weren’t put here stam. We must have a reason, we must be here not to just satisfy our pleasures.

So I found G-d. Ever since, I just kept on holding onto him as tight as I could.

I am here now because I know, in my brain and in my heart that Hashem loves me. He is the one who will continue doing that forever, and he will ALWAYS do what is best for me, though it may be hard or not seem like it at the time. I am here, an ultra orthodox Jewish girl because I CHOOSE  to be here.

If you don’t have G-d, what’s to stop you from going OTD? From doing whatever, whenever?

Part 2: Why, why not, and of boys

My decision to remain frum (Ultra Orthodox) had nothing to do with anyone else.
I am living here for myself. After 120 years I will go up to G-d and he will ask me why I did what I did. I want to do the right thing, for myself, for my future.

I want to cover my body and not show it to the world, I want to talk to the G-d that created me and thank him daily for everything he does. For him watching over me and keeping me safe. I researched, asked and I think in my opinion that this is the path I should take. Even though all the people who have hurt me are frum, and because I chose this path they may continue to hurt me or I just still see them (causing me to have a harder time)- I still chose this path FOR MYSELF!

So why DO people go off our path, so to say, go OTD? Well, they aren’t thinking straight. They just want to hurt the people who hurt them. But that won’t do anything! In the end, 10 years, 30 years later they suddenly will wake up and say “OMIGOSH! I just let ______ (Whoever hurt me) control my entire life! Because of them and how I was blinded of ________(insert feeling here) I chose my life based on it and this is not how I feel!! I don’t want to live my life just to get back at someone else!” – if you are lucky. If not, they won’t wake up till G-d gives them an accounting in the heavens.

Or people go OTD because they haven’t found their happiness in Judiasm and haven’t found Hashem yet. So these people, when they get to a cerain age (14-19 ussually) suddenly realize thast they have no feelings toward yiddishkeit and they don’t see any reason for doing what they are doing. Humans are very logical creatures. No one is going to walk around in a big circle for a week for absolutely no reason. So too no one is going to live a life they have no feelings for if they feel there is no reason to do so. (Such as for their parents or teachers. If they feel so strongly that they have no goal or future in this path, they will go off even against people’s wishes.)

This is a good thing and a bad thing. The bad part is, WOW, this kids are missing so much! But imagine on the other hand, how much courage it took. How much courage it took for these kids to show the world that they don’t agree, they don’t feel, they don’t want to live a lie anymore. They are stripping themselves of a mask and screaming out to the world how they feel. Something not many of us do.

But then again, Judaism does have all the answers. And if you say you have looked but haven’t found, it can’t be true. if you really want to find something out, to find the truth-you will look for 30 years for it. Mankind was made to always search for the truth. It’s in deepest desires, to just want to do the right thing and know the truth. You hear these stories of people who became religious, looking for the right answers for sometimes 30 years. obviously they really wanted to find the truth. Do you want to find the truth so badly that you will do this? Or do you just want to go OTD because you want to have a boyfriend, you can’t deal with the nisyonos even though you know it’s bad, or you don’t care it’s bad-you just want to have some pleasure.

Very long rant, sorry.
So, I decided to stay frum. Since I believed in Hashem. I made a mature decision, I did not commit suicide, run away, go OTD. I did what I think would be best for my future. I think my future would be best with a G-d in it and not out of it.

Another reason I have wanted to go OTD, and so have other people…boys.
C’mon, every girl wants a boy, and it’s really really hard sometimes for me to just not jump out a window in middle of class and go find some guy to live with.

But I beleive in Hashem, and he commanded me not to do that, so I am not going to do it.
I know, it is SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER hard!!! A boy can give a girl so much things that a girl can’t.

When I get REALLY frustrated I turn to here:
A list from gaurdyoureyes with 71 reasons not to get involved with boys.

I don’t know about you, but I want a real marriage with my zivug. That ain’t happening if I go OTD and marry whichever guy gives me more stuff.

I want to share a song I wrote on this topic:

I’m tired of life, want to take me on a joy ride?
I’d give up all I have got for it.
I don’t have much, question is if it’s worth it
You’re putting me on the spot.

If I could jump on a motorcycle and you’d whisk me away
or dance tonight in your arms,
I’d go with you anyway,
To anywhere you’d want
as long as it’s not here
as long as it’s not here

I’m so stressed, full of feelings, easy just so easy to give in
You’d give me attention, love, presents, and diamond rings.
I’m too exhausted to think straight
Your smooth voice just want me to go with you and escape

If I could jump on a motorcycle and you’d whisk me away
or dance tonight in your arms,
I’d go with you anyway,
To anywhere you’d want
as long as it’s not here
as long as it’s not here

But I’m going to fight for what’s best for me
even if I’m tired and that means staying here,
no matter how hard it is, I know G-d is worth it.
so your pleas can fall on deaf ears.

If I could jump on a motorcycle and you’d whisk me away
or dance tonight in your arms,
I wouldn’t go with you anyway,
Doesn’t matter where you’d want

If I could do the things I imagine while reality was away
or if I could dance tonight in your arms.
I won’t go with you.
I know what I need to do.
No matter what you want.
WILL stay here.
Yes, I think I’d rather stay here.

A great book on the topic of boys and girls that tells it as it is is “The magic touch” by Gila Mandelson. I really recommend it. I was at a speech of hers and she is amazing! She did real scientific research about the idea of one human touching another. It’s not all spirituality. It’s real, true, proven facts. She also has a book on Tzniyus, which is really good.

Hashem puts us in certain situations and we have to deal with it.
That’s life. Sometimes we try to run away, or escape. That’s no good nor will it help. I didn’t do that. I am here. D
on’t think that I am not OTD cuz I’m not brave enough, don’t have enough courage, not pretty enough, not smart enough, or too scared.
I am not OTD because I don’t WANT to be, that is simply that. If you think you are cool, showing off your body, looking so haughty, and looking at me like “Ugh, here comes another “frummie” who isn’t brave enough to face reality and leave.DON’T.

I have faced my reality. Life isn’t a game. It’s real.
Have you faced yours?

❤ Hadassi
hadassi98@gmail.com

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14 Comments

    1. Where did I get the strength? The strength to what? To not go off? Hashem somehow gave it to me. G-d always gives us the tools, you will always be able to find supportive people somewhere.

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    2. Wow! you touched a deep cord in my heart! so beautiful so much insight!! i don’t have the words to thank you!!! keep posting! i need it!

      Like

  1. Everyone has different tests in life, in order to rectify something in their soul. You’ve probably learned about it from the sefer Derech Hashem, If you can understand that sefer, you will understand why each Jew goes through life in a unique path and Hashem is always there for her/him, but the connection to Hashem takes 613 paths (today much less without a Bais Hamikdash) and all the mitzvos present ways for a Jew to connect to Him. Keep up the chizuk to others who may be struggling in the same path as you.

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  2. Wow very powerful! Everyone has those days when thier down…and I have to say I’m having one today! So thanks Hadassi for your inspiration!
    Your right we just got to keep pulling through!

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  3. Hey I have to talk to you hadassie. I’m considered OTD in my community but I’m not. I have tons of tons of tons of pain. It’s so hard.

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    1. Hey Tehila! I’m sorry to hear about your pain. I would love to be in touch with you via email.
      My email is hadassi98@gmail.com.

      The OTD thing is really hard. What you, your family, friends, and community consider to be OTD are ussually different things. As a bonus some communities have drastic ways of dealing with what they think is OTD. I haven’t really touched that subject because I’m just a girl on the web. I can’t change the system. I can do my best though to deal with it well when it’s up to me.

      In any case, I’m waiting to hear from you!

      Like

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