I have so much to say…but no time to write. I really should force myself like to write posts on the bus in the morning. Traffic here is awful.
Anyway how’s life? We had an amazing shabbaton (with amazing friends) and I’ve been having the time of my life. I love how my seminary doesn’t sugarcoat the truth to make you feel good. It’s like this is reality, deal with it or you know- don’t exist.
About that “Living Plan B” post. So still not sure if that will be a post or I’ll try to get it submitted into a magazine, for now though I wanted to rant a bit. (Sorry if you are sick of them).
I have so much on my mind. Well there’s the mind itself. Lately we have been hearing so much about how our minds are very precious. That’s why overthinking (who remembers that post) is so dangerous. But we need to guard our minds not only mentally, but also emotionally and spiritually..
Before something can enter your emotions and soul it has to go through your head, mind, and brain. We take so much care in protecting our emotions and soul from getting impure or hurt but what about the most important part of our body that is the pathway to everything else? What is that all worth of we leave our minds unguarded? We just seem to let all these things in. The people we listen to and put around us do influence our thoughts. What we hear and see every day influence our thoughts too. By not filtering those things we leave our brain unguarded for anyone to come along and push their ideas onto us. The daily interactions with the people and things around us are as important to filter as the ‘bigger’ things like books, music, and movies. Actually esspeciallly because daily interactions are repetitive and because we will let our guard down during them, they could possibly be even more important.
You see there is this thing called nature, and how it works is like what you see and hear around you is what’s on your mind- hence the topic of this paragraph-minds. Anyways, for example, if you have a friend who talks about shovels 24/7, you will start thinking about shovels more often.
Sometimes we rent out our brains to people we don’t like, or to disgusting things that get under our skin but somehow make it to brains
It’s not even about bad ideas being seen and heard over again, it’s the things that don’t support a torah lifestyle like talking endlessly about makeup, careers, or equality between men and women ( they are definitely not equal, but neither is superior. They are different. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Neither is better, they are just good for different things) none of these things are important compared to the torah and living with the torah as our entire purpose of our lives. It’s also about how we can hurt ourselves and think neck finely because we do not guard the things we surround our minds with.
The world around influences your thoughts
Your thoughts affect your emotions
Your emotions influence the way you act to the world
The way you look and treat the world affects others thoughts
Their thoughts affect their emotions
And their emotions influence how they treat you
The world around you influences your thoughts
We get stuck in the cycle and sometimes we forget if we change our thoughts we can change the entire cycle!! We seriously need to ask ourselves:
Who are we letting influence our thoughts? Are those ideas improving my relashionship with Hashem? Or not? Why? Why not? Are these thoughts promoting a torah lifestyle? Are these thoughts pushing me to recreate myself, and do my purpose here? What type of things do you want on your mind? What things should be on your mind? Are those answers the same? Why not? What things are on your mind? Are these thoughts needed for your Avodas Hashem. If these thoughts are bad for you, why haven’t you changed/gotten rid of whatever is influencing them?
We need to ask ourselves what we are honestly doing with our lives.
Another thing that’s been on my mind is that no one can promise you anything here. Even if you try and do everything that according to nature should solve or help your struggle, no one is promising you that it will work. No one can promise you change, or that there will be an end to the pain in this life. It’s hard thing to admit. Don’t get me wrong, I love life and seminary. I’ve never been sent so many matanos from Hashem at one time. But no matter how good life is, there is always struggles. Even if I work crazy hard, no one can promise me it will ever get easier. It’s a scary thought…
Questions hit my mind about how now I’ve tasted hope, victory, and truth, is this all I can get? Or what if it’s an illusion? I know my job is not to ponder these questions but to appreciate and utilize every moment I have now, and although I’m trying my best to do that…. It’s sometimes so hard. I can’t not think, even if I know they are destructive thoughts. I also know, Baruch hashem how to deal with those thoughts and emotions from years and years of practice. Baruch hashem they don’t suffocate me to the point where I cannot function like they used to but it’s frustrating to be having this battle again after all I’ve accomplished and done. I know I’m a better person and a stronger one. I can see it every time I go through this old struggle and how I react to it like a completely different person than I used to be. I can control my feelings and thoughts. I never could do that before.
But sometimes I wonder how I became this strange oxymoron. I’m naturally a positive person. Ever since I was a kid I took every situation I was given and made it fun. I was the kid who urged their siblings to play hide and seek in the suit stores and would hide on the shelves in the supermarket behind all the toilet paper. I was fun, positive, and a burst of creativity and light. Sometimes I feel like as an adult it’s so hard to tap into that. As I grew older I became a lot more thoughtful and mixed with my intense personality and feelings it made for thoughts and feelings to become a storm I could not control that would encompass me. No one taught me how to deal with that. I had to figure it out my own. Baruch hashem I’ve come along way in that part, as anyone who has read this for a while can remember. I struggled and struggled until I finally beat it. Just because I beat it doesn’t mean I don’t have the struggle. I just now know how to defend myself and attack the enemy.
So anyways sometimes there are no answers for: Will I ever get out of this? Or will I ever figure it out? Why can’t I understand?
The only thing you can do is daven and hope. Oh, and remember that its a good thing that we don’t understand. Would you follow a God that had the intellrgence level of yourself? If so than you would be smart enough to be God chv”s. It’s ok not to know. Ussually there are answers, for the most part he does not expect us to blindly follow him like gullible morons. Society teaches us no one can be smarter than us and if we don’t understand than it really doesn’t make sense.
If you understood you’d be dead.
Just saying. 😒