If you aren’t a creator you don’t exist! (On shabbaton, change, and self forgiveness)

So I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write…and I’m looking through my comments and see I’ve been given a blogger award. Thanks JewishtThoughts blog for nominating me! Please check out her blog! I will definitely be posting a response post in a week or so. But you guys deserve a real post.

My last post talked about change, and who we really are. We just had a shabbaton and I spoke to so many people and I have just so much to say! First shabbaton was really awesome, it’s like night and day from high school. I had very little insecurities about shabbaton (Remember that, last year) which is sort of funny since this year I was with a bunch of sorta friends sorta strangers, but I guess since I’m someone so different, my entire perspective on shabbaton is too! Baruch Hashem I love seminary. I got to work on a newspaper for shabbaton, and that was really awesome to do!

My blog has been making some waves in sem, *sigh* can’t seem to escape it? Someone explained it to me very simply, I have a very unique personality and perspective on life. Whenever I pop up, whether on FGM, FHO, projects I work on, forums online, local newpapers, Mishpacha, any writing, or IRL as my real live persona- anyone that has seen me in any of those places can easily match them up and say ‘Ohhhhhh, this is Hadassi Shachar”. Which is good…I think?

One major thing I was thinking of is how we filter everything we hear and see through old cracked lenses. Lenses of abuse, struggles, and our past. We see and hear everything through it. Every single class in school, every conversation with anyone is seen through that lens. We can’t possibly change unless we switch it out and see things differently. Not everything is about you! Not everything is about your past, your struggles, your abuse.

Do you want to compromise your potential of being a real frum Jew because of people or things from your past? Are you letting those things be your lens? If so you cannot change.

Another fantastic reason you MUST  change the lens is because if you don’t, you do not exist. Let me repeat that in English terms. There are 2 types of people in this world, people who are a product of their environment and people who are a product of themselves.

If you are just a product of your environment, how can you exist? If it makes complete sense for you to turn out the way you are since you are from ______ family, ________ school, _______struggles/abuse than all you are is just the result of things Hashem gave you that were never yours in the first place. Every part of your environment was given to you from Hashem, so all you are are pieces of Hashem molded into one. If the result is not as expected, then it is you. If you take those parts and choose what you recreate, then you are a creator. Only then can you exist. Do you see what I’m saying?

I felt like in the beginning of sem that I am this new person I created through my struggles. I felt that the old me must stay buried. She needs to stay underground. But I realized this is not true, the person I was wasn’t buried, on the contrary she was planted and given the chance to evolve into the person I’ve become. That old person is still part of me, but that’s not me. I felt stifled, like no one can know about her, but that’s not true either. So what if I made mistakes? So what if I was a different person? People will judge anyway, but what I’m really trying to say here is that people will see that old person’s parts in me- and it will only help them to realize that I’m not a product but that I’m a person. I’m not a result, I’m a creator! People will see that I’m not just those pieces of blocks you need to fit into a proper square, people will see I took those pieces and instead of remaking a square I made something far more beautiful, lasting, and precious.

And I’ve forgiven myself.
How can I not? Those who do not understand that people can change, and do not realize it’s the bane of our existence will not forgive. I no longer care. Their problem, my pleasure 😉
 But those who see me as all who I really am, those who care enough about Hashem, his world, and others will forgive. And they have.

-Hadassi Shachar



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