Hi everyone! Seminary is wonderful! I’m so happy Hashem has given this chance to me, to make myself whoever I want to be. That’s what I have been doing.
I wake up every morning and I’m just like “Hashem, thank you for the place I am in today!” I’ve already cried a few times these past weeks from sheer joy. Can this possibly happening? Can life be actually treating me this well? It seems like a dream, all I can do is beg Hashem to not take this away from me, and try to use my happiness to serve him and not forgot it is him who has given me all of this.
I haven’t figured out exactly what my posting schedule will be. Starting anew is overwhelming, with a whole bunch of classes, teachers, friends, etc. It’s draining and time consuming. Another thing that’s been in my mind is forgiveness.
This word flits back and forth through my head, nudging me to remember how painful the past year was, and how a lot of things were on the account of a specific person. I had not realized the extent of my pain until we had a few classes on forgiveness. Only then did I realize that I was still upset.
I have no reason to be as life is treating me very nicely now, and I’m in a MUCH better place than every before. How many times can I stress this? Especially because I am self aware, see that this is all for the good, and can even realize that although this person caused me many months of pain in almost every area of my life it has brought me to a place where I can be a healthy person practically born anew to start seminary as. This year has taught me so much, and for that I’m thankful. Even though this person wasn’t fully in control of their actions, and they went through a lot too and surely did not mean to cause me pain, I feel as it’s no excuse. Yet I am still unable to forgive?
There are so many things I have learned, that I want to say, so many self awareness things, and aha moments but I cannot remember them now. I keep telling myself that that is okay, and some people aren’t reading this for advice, but to see have a look into another teen who is also facing real life dilemas.
So I present you this poem, sums up my life right now.
Thought my life had ended
but I only had befriended
what I heard was reality
Would I do 12th grade differently
if the chance came to me?
I’d tell you the answer was no
I had thought I was the boss
Wanted things, didn’t know the cost
Left me feeling abandoned and alone. (More on these few lines NEXT week)
So when I let my hands go
From the cliff I called home
What would happen I did not know
Still bruised black and blue
Can I have a Bracha with the pain too?
His answer is not in my control
Slowly slowly I picked it all up
Even though inside I was fed up
But that year really toughened me up
Months and months have passed
In a place I never dared to dream of at last
she calls me up “Can you forgive me for the past?”
Although I wouldn’t do it any differently
Forgiving all that blood, tears, and sweat is not done easily
Left with this hollow feeling inside of me
So yeah. So I will be (for REAL lol) writing next week a post to be labeled “Living Plan B”
You all deserve it for waiting so long for this to come out. Rosh hashana was really inspiring, I wanted to inspire you guys too but barely found the time. I’m davening I’ll have something to show in TP this sukkos, plus I had a interveiw done ages ago in Binah Teens…not sure when/if it is/was out. Haha. They never tell us writers. It isn’t funny, it’s really sad honestly. I’m hoping I’ll find an easier magazine to deal with. But Mishpacha reaches much farther than most magazines, but I’m also good with a local magazine that reaches a few thousand or hundred thousand…as long as they are someone who has time to answer emails! *shakes head*
I’d love to hear you questions, comments, and anything you’d like to tell me! firstname.lastname@example.org