This is the post I’ve been dreading to make but at the same time very excited to write! I wanted to write about this so much, yet wasn’t exactly sure how to word it. Anyway, I know I’ve written about Emunah before, and some of my thoughts on it but today we are going to dive into it again! The wonderful thing to spirituality is that there is no end, we can delve into the same subject as many times as we want, and always come out learning something new! How exciting!
I swiped the top of the pot in my former post, meaning to delve down deeper this week. So let’s go! I have found myself saying to myself recently: “If I really had strong Emunah, I wouldn’t be upset right now at all” and such phrases. I thought through out the past few years I had really worked on my emunah. A few months ago I realized that although I act like my emunah is strong, I don’t think it really is (at least in my book).
Oh sure, when I say my plan for next year isn’t exactly fully worked out yet, and I tell people with a smile “But it’s okay, I know Hashem will work it out”, do I mean that? I mean I honestly thought I did, yet as the new year looms closer I am suddenly very insecure. Did I trust that it was in Hashem’s hands from the beginning or was I really just relying on the fact the most girls’ end up somewhere besides for their house after high school. Was I relying on Hashem all this time, or was I relying on nature, other people, and this world?
Now that I realize that there is a possibility things will not fully work out, and I’ll have to make due with part of my original plan, I feel very upset and let down. This only strengthens the idea that my smugness was not based on Emunah, rather it was based on other things.
I kept beating myself up for not having stronger Emunah when I finally realized that it’s okay. Yes, you read this right. It’s okay. I’m a human, and I’m not perfect. Hashem doesn’t expect me to be. Hashem also doesn’t want me to beat myself up from the past, he wants me to learn from it. He wants me to see where my mistakes stem from so I can fix them up. He wanted to show me himself that seminary, shidduch, or whatever you want to think of isn’t reliant on your teachers, schools, family, friends- it’s reliant on him, and him only.
Now that we know this, we need to internalize it. Step away from yesterday, and open up today! You can make your Emunah stronger. And guess what? You don’t have to read some shmancy fancy book, or listen to 100 shuirim. No, no, no, no, these are all wonderful, but Hashem gave you something to help you that is accessible in any siddur!
The 13 Ani Mamins. You already read them every day? Well do you mean them?
As I have stated before, I strongly believe that Hashem gives us most of the tools, we just need a nudge to use them. You have a brain, common sense, you know yourself best and how to inspire yourself, you know how to do a cheshbon nefesh, and you know your strengths, weaknesses, faults, etc. All you need is a little guidance and nudge.
Pick an ani mamin to work on each week. Try saying them every day, and in between each one, pause, and explain to yourself what it means to you, how it affects your life, and use it as a springboard for a mini conversation with G-d, then move on to the next one.
And if you fail, forget, and fall down-it’s okay. It isn’t a pointless battle, just a hard one. Don’t think just because you aren’t _____, you aren’t anywhere. Just because you aren’t the gedolei hador, doesn’t mean you aren’t trying. Hashem wants to see you do your best, and that’s it. He wants to see you you use the little emunah you do have.
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Waiting to hear from you!
Love, Hadassi Shachar