The ones thing that stays when all else leaves

Hello all! Hadassi here, I’ve had an interesting night, how about you guys?
I want to put excerpt (that means a part of) a poem I wrote today here-check it out:

For a thousand times over I have proved to myself that I have finally changed
I have seen with my own eyes how I’ve become someone different
but yet I feel they all treat me the same


For I have finally managed to stand up against the whispers and insecurities that lie in my heart and head
I opened up my eyes to see a soul that was reborn after it died
and yet I still feel alone

I’m only getting better and I’m the strongest I have been, each day I realize it more and more
I’m so proud of myself, but what is it worth
if no one else has seen how far I come?

I should be happy, I want to be so badly. As I keep going through tests I failed for years and years and successfully getting over one hundred now
And the people that should know and share my happiness with me
I wish they were still there with me
I wish I understood why they left me

So today I went through an old new experience. Hmmm interesting term I just made up. Well it means I went to a old place, time, and event and had another experience there. It sorta highlighted how much I had changed. The last time I was there a had a huge panic attack. Let’s not reminisce on the details. In any case it was weird I was back there, with the same people, same idea, but I was different I guess. Being in the same place I had the attack with the same event going on was pretty weird, but baruch hashem I felt pretty good besides that fact it wasn’t just me that was different-it was everyone around me.

New students, old students, friends, classmates that were new people, and more. Although this whole thing really highlighted how since then I had pretty much been born again. (Close friends keep telling me that I’m like a whole different person now….like Hadassi 2.0….-I actually like that idea. We are just updating…but anyways the words they used was that seriously I’m unrecognizable)

But if you would of told me at the first event, a few years ago-I would be who I am today I think I would of laughed at how ridiculous it sounded. I was so caught up in this fantasy world that reality had created for me I didn’t think it was possible to find reality. The fact that I did and I am in it and working on myself is amazing and just surreal. 

But then again if you told me that although I’d be the amazing person I am today, but also lose her whole group of friends in 12th grade and would be celebrating one of the happiest days in her life that she had been waiting and counting down for for 2 years…I think I would of just cried.

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