Grabbing too much
overwhelmed by responsibilities
trying too hard
trying to be better
but not getting anywhere
at the same time-bored
cold, and unispired
spirit gone lost
“Inspire yourself!” they say
dragged to lectures about teshuvah
told to say tehilim
but still, nothing
I scream at myself “WHY?”
take too much upon myself
still- I am no where
I have attained nothing
I cannot feel
I cannot cry
I cannot see
I cannot understand
But I cannot be fazed because I have seen it all
My spirit cannot die because it is infinity
I cannot not believe because I see truth.
Under all the confusion is truth
and I will find it.
I get up.
Elul isn’t about hearing speeches, it’s not about forgiving people, and it’s not about being on a fake inspirational high.
The year takes us on a cycle of feelings, thoughts, and steps- so after a full year we can say we have grown, and essentially lived. We have changed.
Elul is about evaluating our priorities and values.
So I am not going to blame myself for sleeping through a 45 minutes Elul speech from my school on Thursday.
And I won’t hate myself for not being “inspired’.
And I won’t kill myself with all the “Why” questions (“Why can’t you grow? Why can’t you be normal? Why can’t you get anywhere? Why are you different? Why can’t you figure out who you are? Why can’t you….)
I will try to sleep more in my bed, and less in uncomfortable plastic chairs.
I will do my own inner work, no help needed.
And I Will ask myself instead of “why” – “how?” How can I get somewhere? How can I cope with life? How can I figure out who I am?
Here’s another clip on Elul….
So if elul is about getting closer to G-d, before I can do that I better know who I am, where my priorities lay, and what my values are
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